Re: And furthermore

I can’t remember the last time I laughed out loud so much whilst reading an e-mail. Funtwhistle is inspired. Funt is also my favourite two swearwords combined in an uber sweary but satisfying fashion. I have a feeling that my Ma read Viz whilst I were now’t but a small zygote so that is where my propensity for swearing & irreverence has sprung from. Either that or I just have a very dirty mind. My mother thinks it’s the latter but would you ever get a feminist admitting to liking such a publication? She swore it was all but Germaine Greer & Spare Rib but I have my doubts.

The brazenness act – possibly passed at the same time as the Brazier act that stopped Victorian men burning bra’s as fuel during the cold winters by explaining to them the difference between braziers & brassieres?

Is Emperor Tofu related to Ming the Merciless of Flash Gordon fame? I’m pretty handy with Quorn mince & vegetables. I bought some crazy looking borlotti beans at the organic food fest so at least I know they’ll be welcomed by an appreciative palate. I swim a lot in the evenings & we’ll have to check when Em is free but any time next week is good with me.

Here’s Tom with the weather.

Thanks Tom.

I have to admit to being proud of Funtwhistle and I think he may become a character in my webcomic…

My favourite swear concatenation is ‘twunt’ which is so satisfying I sometimes have to sit down and rest for five minutes after it’s utterance.

Swearing has been brought into disrepute by monosyllabic Neanderthals and I say it’s time for the creative and intellectuals among us to take it back and raise it up back to the art form it once was (if you’ve ever read any Shakespear, he was brilliant at insults and swearing.).

Yes the brazenness act and the brazier act were both drafted in the winter of 1847 by the notaries Dr. Kenneth Mungbean esq., Captain Hepsibar Fretbucket and Saint Bernard McBreathmint, who was of course most famous for his collapsible cheesecake emporium which sadly imploded for no apparent reason on the 18^th of Blenkinsop, 1839. They worked on both acts at the same time and there was some confusion for a while when the two documents got confused and men everywhere were required to wear drums of burning hussys on their chests during the August of that year.

Emperor Tofu and Ming the Merciless are indeed related – they are second cousins but sadly fell out at the age of 6 over a second helping of squid dumplings. What they were doing over a second helping of squid dumplings is anyone’s guess, but things got messy. After a hot bath and a good scrub down with Ajax, they got cleaned up but the animosity remained, meaning now they rarely speak, except at social functions, when they give the merest of nods and say,

“Ming.”

“Tofu.”

- as both refuse to use the other’s official title as a matter of principle.

Now over to Gabriel for a traffic report. Gabriel?

“Well Mike, from up here it really doesn’t look good. There’s a man trying to park a heron in a space designed for an otter and the otter isn’t happy. It may end in tears, or at least a happy slapping incident involving a badger with a trifle. Back to you Mike.”

Thanks Gabe. In other news a peacock caught selling counterfeit acorns to children has been arrested in Barnstaple today for being too ugly to sing. Over to you Susie.