Re: Missing!

More disturbing was the story today in the Nempnet Thrubwell Examiner that a local man had been taken into care after thinking he was a squid. After days of careful observation, a part time student worker at the facility noted that the individual was in fact a squid, who thought he was a man, thinking he was a squid. That poor squid could be in counselling for the rest of its life. The student was fired by upper management because apparently, “no one like a smart ass.”

Earlier today in Pring, locals witnessed what was described by one man as a “full on carpet orgy”. Locals were shocked to find several rolls of axeminster capriciously cavorting in a local nature reserve. A spokesperson for the nature reserve, Dr Moffer Mcbonnhoffer spoke to the press openly. Once he realised that the press was an inanimate object that facilitated the printing process, he instead turned his attentions to the assembled journalists.

“what we have seen here today is both shocking and exciting,” he relayed to the throng, “In fact, I would go so far as to say that not only am I personally shocked and excited, I am obviously more shocked and excited than any of you and therefore I win.” When asked what he had won, he became introverted, stared at his feet for half an hour before finally muttering something about a fruit basket made from the woven shells of shrimp and containing a number of tasteless jumpers.

He went on to say, “We’re not sure where the axeminsters came from – this isn’t their normal spawning grounds and not even on their yearly migratory route. We can only assume some kind of almighty comsmological balls up involving yoghurt, the toy from a kinder surprise and a fleet of mackerel trawlers has somehow warped their ability to navigate the space-time continuum with any degree of success without resorting to sat-nav.

Dr. Bonnhoffer is currently under investigation for Bison fraud and selling tic-tacs to underage bridge builders.