Still Re: And furthermore

13/09/07

“…there are reports coming out of Pucklechurch this morning of a large fanged ferret marauding in a swaggering fashion, stealing hubcabs & scaring old ladies with high pitched renditions of Beatles tunes. A Mrs Trellis, 79 of Mook Park Rise had this to say on the matter – “ I knew something was up when I woke to a very screechy version of I am the Walrus and then heard clanging noises. Well, it saves me doing it – I was saving up for a new set of alloys anyway..”

“This morning sees the end of a legal landmark trial in which a weasel named Magenta Bumgardener was cleared of contract fraud. Magenta was quoted as saying, “It’s not right that my species should be treated this way. Yes I know we are weasels, but that doesn’t mean we all try to get out of our responsibilities! It’s a very small minority of weasels that are like that and it’s not fair to blame the majority of honest, hard working weasels for their actions.” When asked if he would be returning to work, Mr. Bumgardener responded, “Umm… sure. Maybe. Yeah I mean obviously I’ll… oh look! Is that the queen?” When this reporter turned around again Mr. Bumgardener could be seen leaving in a taxi, the driver of which later stated that Mr. Bumgardener had not left him a tip.”

Here...

11/09/07














Is a picture of some badgers. Enjoy!!!!

Thank you. I did enjoy it greatly.

Re: Re: Re: Re: And furthermore

First up we have a report from the Annual Bog Snorkelling championships being held in the town of Grunt in Norfolk. Pundits are penning the new champ of 2007 to be local lad Snorchit Baqckscuttler, 25.

Experts in the field have never seen a contestant with such pure wriggling ability and smooth strokes through the murky water. A local spectator commented “..that Snorchit, he’s got webbed feet he has. On account of his mum & dad being first cousins & his aunt actually being his grandmother see.”

The Bi-annual Martock Midget Toss went off without a hitch this weekend with a record breaking distance of 72 feet being recorded as the winning distance. The successful thrower, a one Roderick Badgerer was heard saying “I never knew a midget could be tossed that hard or that far”.

Thanks Ermintrude.

In other news, Prince Grak Thundercunt of Grebulonia has admitted to using performance enhancing drugs whilst trying to impregnate his wife, Princess Plwym. “I just needed a pep,” Said Prince Grak, “everyone is doing it, I don’t see why it’s causing such a problem.” The drugs in question are made from the fermented flesh of beetroots, Grebulonia’s main export, which accounts for fully 43.675% of the country’s gross national product and Prince Grak’s usage has decimated forecast beetroot crops by 67.85%. A spokeman for the palace commented, “It’s a well known fact that 83.975% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

Several men were detained in the town of Thrump in Badgershire yesterday in connection with a spate of scarecrow sabotage that has had the town up in arms over the correct way to dress a scarecrow. The men are accused of putting blonde wigs and gingham frocks on several of the town’s scarecrows, along with handwritten signs attached to their backs that read, “Kiss me I’m pretty.” The mayor of Thrump, Mrs Betram Twunt-Handel – a blonde with a penchant for gingham, denies that she had slept with all of the detainees in 1987 during a cider festival in the town.

And finally tonight, here’s some delightful footage of a meercat in a cake. Officials at Fwangbury zoo are thinking of renaming him a “meercake”, which would be an improvement on it’s current name of Helen-Derek Bungcornet.

Re: Re: Re: And furthermore

10/09/07

When he wizzed in the cream cheese as an experimental gelling experiment did you mean blending or the other kind of wizzing?

The other kind…

That would explain the sourness then. . .

Yeah he really didn’t think it through in terms of flavour.

Possibly a slightly more fluid consistency as well – that teamed with the substandard digestives…trouble in a box!

It was never going to go well. If only he’d have figured this out beforehand we could all be enjoying the fabulous experience that is a collapsible cheesecake to this very day.

Here’s Ermintrude with the sport.

Re: Re: And furthermore

Only got your mail this morning – once again my colleagues were forced to watch me sniggering and getting no explanation for my constrained mirth this early on a Monday.

Was not Saint Bernard MacBreathmint their heir apparent to the Sultan of Wrigley? And then went on to bring the Juicy Fruit to the New World after the implosion of his collapsible cheesecake empire (which resulted from the use of substandard digestive biscuits & slightly sour cream cheese)? Reports in the press at the time were wildly inaccurate about the causes but the gentleman himself was heard to utter “those McVities b@stards”. . . I believe Captain Hepsibar Fretbucket has a portrait in the Royal Naval Gallery next to that of my Grandfather. He’s the one with the beard & the giant haddock attached to his ear. He was always partial to a bit of haddock.

On the subject of Shakespearean insults, my favourites are “Goats & Monkeys” & “O gull, O dolt” both from Othello respectively. I always though that Blackadder the 2^nd caught the era quote nicely with it’s subtle blend of ruffs & sarcasm.

I think it’s very sad when family fall out over a dumpling. At least fall out over something good – like who killed who’s hamster/grandmother/sea monkeys. That would warrant a good scrubbing with Ajax or Vim, depending on your brand of choice.

On the acorn front, I actually managed to convince my brother’s girlfriend that in Totnes they didn’t use money & bartered with Acorns. I think she believed me for about a month.

Heron parking is always a bad idea as they are notoriously grumpy – otters can be quite surly as well if you catch them on an off day.

Now it’s time for Thought for the Day. . .

St. Bernard Mcbreathmint was indeed the heir apparent to the sultan of Wrigley, but after bringing Juicy fruit to the new world he was fired for tampering with boxes of rice crispies. Although it was never fully proven, the box of rice crispies testified and although it’s testimony was eventually stricken from the record for excessive use of the word ‘grappling’, the damage was done and St. Bernard’s career was effectively over, leaving him destitute and homeless in the Antarctic, with only his penguin butler for company. It was not the first time St. Bernard had encountered controversy, what with the collapsible cheesecake debacle only a few years before. The substandard digestives were the cause, but there were rumours at the time that he wizzed in the cream cheese as an experimental gelling agent.

Captain Fretbucket does indeed have a portrait as you described. Unfortunately his passion for haddock lead to his eventual extradition to Bolivia to face Haddock fondling charges – something which they take very seriously over there, despite the general sniggers of the jury throughout the proceedings. Sadly after he was aquitted and had his name cleared, his beard decided to start divorce proceedings, unable to handle the shame of association with an accused haddock fondler and now lives in an amish community in Pittsburgh.

My favourite Shakespearian insult is : “You have not so much brains as porridge”, although I’m buggered if I can remember where it’s from.

Good job with the acorn ruse…

One time I tried to park a red panda on double yellow lines and got a slap on the wrist, a tickle on the tum and a partridge in a pear tree that I can’t do anything with until Christmas.

Thought of the day:
Where does your lap go when you stand up?

Re: And furthermore

I can’t remember the last time I laughed out loud so much whilst reading an e-mail. Funtwhistle is inspired. Funt is also my favourite two swearwords combined in an uber sweary but satisfying fashion. I have a feeling that my Ma read Viz whilst I were now’t but a small zygote so that is where my propensity for swearing & irreverence has sprung from. Either that or I just have a very dirty mind. My mother thinks it’s the latter but would you ever get a feminist admitting to liking such a publication? She swore it was all but Germaine Greer & Spare Rib but I have my doubts.

The brazenness act – possibly passed at the same time as the Brazier act that stopped Victorian men burning bra’s as fuel during the cold winters by explaining to them the difference between braziers & brassieres?

Is Emperor Tofu related to Ming the Merciless of Flash Gordon fame? I’m pretty handy with Quorn mince & vegetables. I bought some crazy looking borlotti beans at the organic food fest so at least I know they’ll be welcomed by an appreciative palate. I swim a lot in the evenings & we’ll have to check when Em is free but any time next week is good with me.

Here’s Tom with the weather.

Thanks Tom.

I have to admit to being proud of Funtwhistle and I think he may become a character in my webcomic…

My favourite swear concatenation is ‘twunt’ which is so satisfying I sometimes have to sit down and rest for five minutes after it’s utterance.

Swearing has been brought into disrepute by monosyllabic Neanderthals and I say it’s time for the creative and intellectuals among us to take it back and raise it up back to the art form it once was (if you’ve ever read any Shakespear, he was brilliant at insults and swearing.).

Yes the brazenness act and the brazier act were both drafted in the winter of 1847 by the notaries Dr. Kenneth Mungbean esq., Captain Hepsibar Fretbucket and Saint Bernard McBreathmint, who was of course most famous for his collapsible cheesecake emporium which sadly imploded for no apparent reason on the 18^th of Blenkinsop, 1839. They worked on both acts at the same time and there was some confusion for a while when the two documents got confused and men everywhere were required to wear drums of burning hussys on their chests during the August of that year.

Emperor Tofu and Ming the Merciless are indeed related – they are second cousins but sadly fell out at the age of 6 over a second helping of squid dumplings. What they were doing over a second helping of squid dumplings is anyone’s guess, but things got messy. After a hot bath and a good scrub down with Ajax, they got cleaned up but the animosity remained, meaning now they rarely speak, except at social functions, when they give the merest of nods and say,

“Ming.”

“Tofu.”

- as both refuse to use the other’s official title as a matter of principle.

Now over to Gabriel for a traffic report. Gabriel?

“Well Mike, from up here it really doesn’t look good. There’s a man trying to park a heron in a space designed for an otter and the otter isn’t happy. It may end in tears, or at least a happy slapping incident involving a badger with a trifle. Back to you Mike.”

Thanks Gabe. In other news a peacock caught selling counterfeit acorns to children has been arrested in Barnstaple today for being too ugly to sing. Over to you Susie.

First emailings...

I can't seem to find an email before this one from Susie. This is the earliest one with added irrelevance. Presumably one of us brought up the subject of brazen hussies. Susie's emails will be in blue and mine in maroon.

07/09/07
Better a brazen hussy than a minking harlot. Not that I’m likening you to one of those. That would be rude. But maybe slightly funny. Why does a hussy have to be brazen anyway? Could she not be capricious? Or impish? Not all hussies are lacking tact and discretion. How do you high class hookers get away with it if they are brazen…(this could go on for hours….)……
Long live quiet Friday afternoons & shirking!

A minking harlot huh? I might apply to join that group.

I think hussy’s might have to be brazen ever since the 1847 brazeness act which stipulates that: “any and all persons classifying themselves or having been classified by a notary or other noble person as a hussy, must, at all times and in perpetuity throughout spacetime, denote their hussy status by amending their classification with the prefix ‘brazen’ so as to avoid awkward moments in the bathroom facilities of public houses.’ – I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically it.

At the moment my social plans extend to Monday and Tuesday evenings, but otherwise I’m as free as a winged rat. If you are so kind as to provide nourishment, I would just let you know that I am a fully paid up citizen of the Nation-State of Vegetaria, (long live our glorious leader, Emperor Tofu!) just so you are forewarned, which they say, is forearmed. Personally I’ve always had forearms, so I think I must have been forewarned at the foetal stage.

As for shirking, I’m thinking of trying out for the UK’s 2012 Olympic Shirking team. I’ve seen footage of their star player and I think I have better technique – I saw him send a genuinely work-related email have way through a match so the boy obviously has no stamina.

“And finally in this section – we go to our roving reporter Dan Funtwhistle, who has been speaking to people about the brazenness of Hussies in south-eastern Alaska. Dan?”

“Meh.”

“Thanks for that Dan, now it’s back to Susie in the studio.”

More soon.